Wary wary BIG sad!



It pains me so to write this, but the set of sweet Swede friends I made last year (Rock and Roll Mom and the Little Blonde One) have disappeared from my life.
Right now, as I write this, my right eye is scrunched up, my brow is furrowed my chest is tight and my nostrils are flared in pain.
Because by proclaiming it, I am finalising it. They moved out of my house and moved out of my life.

The goodbye at the airport was so sincere, so Hallmark, so "For the second time, would the person with the car parked in the drop-off zone move you effing car."
I bawled, they bawled, we bawled, knowing that as shitty and cold as the winter had been, we had made a special home and friendship inside those Central Hillside neighborhood walls.
"I'll see you in Sweden on thirtieth birthday," I said to R.A.R.M.
"Can Seerah sleep in my bed?" said L.B.O.
"Yes darling I will, and I will also be there for your graduation," I said.

I must be delusional.

Because after a few emails that went something like, ("We're home,and sick, and tired but happy)R.A.R.M. severed all communication (and this from a woman who spent six month attached at the hip to her laptop, keeping in touch with her Swedish peeps.)

I sent little emails: "Hi! Miss you!"
inquisitive emails: "Is every thing OK?"
enticing emails: "Do I owe you money?"
nostalgic emails: "Remember this time (insert picture here)"
Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zilch, Intet (that's Swedish for nothing - at least according to an online dictionary.)

I am so sad about this and have made some pretty crazy attempts at contacting them... none of which include making a phone call b/c I don't have her number.
I guess I will just have to bank it in the "friendship flings" category and pretend that it was a lovely dream.

The measure of Eman

O.K. Let's get real here....
It's been way WAY WAY to long since I last posted. For that, I am sorry.
So, since my last post, I've started belly dancing again. But in a ballsy twist (oh, ouch... ballsy twist) I have signed up a the class with one of my co-workers.
What better way to get to know people in the office than to shake your ass with them, right?
That's how I've made all my friends in that past anyhow.
So tonight, was class number two and I am very impressed with the way my co-worker, Ms. Biz, is workin' it.
She's all: hip- POP- hip- POP! Would you believe she did all this with a yard-stick on her head?!
This class is a little different than the last style of belly dance I took. It's more folksy, hence the yard-stick.
Wait, what? Yard-stick does not equal folksy.
The yard-stick is supposed to be a stand-in for a cane - or LATER ON, swords.(Notice the emphasis on LATER ON!)
But no, as I was waiting my turn for the yard stick (hip- POP -hip - POP)
one of the instructer's batty assistants approaches me with a sword she brought from home.
Before I know what's going on she's balancing the damn thing on my head!!!
Now granted, it is not sharpened, but it is metal, with a big-ass handle and pointy tip.
I could've easily turned, or ducked, or simply have said "no thanks," but really, what kind of story would that have made?
She's got me walking forward towards her - coaxing me along saying "don't worry, I'll catch it if it slips."
Out of the corner of my eye I see the gold handle, and I all I can think about is a set of brass knuckles aimed opportunistically at my right temple.
"Now turn in a circle," she says.
As I turn, I learn once the thing starts to spin, peek you eyes in the opposite direction, (ONLY YOUR EYES, NOT YOUR HEAD) and the sword will re-balance. Sweet.
Admittedly, this sword thing was fun.
But I have to say, with this whole belly dancing thing, there is a line that must be drawn by us white gals.
As my old instructor (Eman from Jordan)used to say: "Now zeez next move, you will not be able to do very goot. Because you do not have zee Arab blood in your body. Only zee Arab people really know zeez move."
I think she probably would've said that about the sword situation.
A sword on your head, a jewel in you belly button and some grown-out stringy Caucasian hair does not make you legitimate in the art of "zee belly dance".
I dance to move differently, to hear different beats and to learn a little something about the world beyond me. In no way do I want, or think it's possible, for me to somehow inherit this culture.
I don't think the sword lady embraces this concept very well.
The yard-stick however, I guess I could get down with that. It seems, somehow, fitting.

Please Advise
I went from having a LDR (long dista... oh, if you didn't get it you don't need to know) with one person to having an LDR with all my persons.
So, I need to know opinions on keeping the names, numbers, addresses, blood-types, social-security numbers and fetishes of all my people, electronically or old school?
That said, please email me your current contact info (and any other bits about yourself that you think I ought to know). But only if you are a personal friend and already have my e-dress. No sickos that are out there prowling around on my blog and want me to know their fetishes.

Let me flop in peace

I was the sole reporter in the newsroom over the holiday weekend.
This means that anything that strikes the community I cover, is my story. This creates lots of potential for big stories to fall in my lap. For example, perhaps a cop will hit a child in his car, maybe a feud between brothers will end with gunfire or cops will raid a poultry farm and find lots of pot and illegal immigrants.
Oh wait, those are the things that happen when I'm off.
When I'm on... this is what happens.

(sound of fax machine)

(sound of crickets)

(sound of old-ass T.V. projecting 12 million hours of Phillies baseball)

(sound of my phone NOT ringing)

Needless to say, but as the funny qualifier goes, I will say it anyway,
I WAS GOING CRAZY!

Super compulsive crazy - pick you cuticles and nose until it's all bleeding crazy, surf your bookmarked Web pages until your brain is microwaved crazy, alphabetize post-it notes crazy.

You get the idea....

However, I did find a little peace in the whole experience.
I was able to eat my floppy yogurt without anyone watching.
You know those yogurts that come in a tube? They are mostly marketed towards children, who don't yet have the perverse mind of adults, and have no idea what sick images a long flacid tube with creamy stuff spurting out the top conjures.
The thing is ...I actually prefer to eat my yogurt this way. It requires no spoon and solves the problem of scraping the last bits out of the bottom of a plastic cup that just bulks up your brown bag, often times causing the seams to tear.
But I am just humiliated when I am eating the damn things.
It all started when Look Left brought some leftovers from his kid's lunches to work.
I don't think he had any funny feelings about the floppy yogurt until I, in my seemingly homophobic insecurities, pointed out how weird it looked when he was eating them.
I'd laugh at him and avoid making eye contact, because they really do make me squirm! But the pay off, the satisfaction of getting my much needed calcium in one swift squeeze of the....oh f*cking forget it! I can't even defend them without perversion.
I bought them because they were on sale at the store, and I guess I was... curious.
I started putting them in my lunches, and Quacks, but I think he refuses to eat them at work. He tells me the yogurt makes his stomach hurt, but I think he too, is afraid of the image of the floppy yogurt.
The compulsion to eat the floppy yogurt in the back room, where people keep their lunches, not eat their lunches, was overwhelming. I never did, but always wanted to.
Instead, I just tell whomever is around at lunch time, not to look at me while I'm eating it.
Speaking of lunch time, my nearest neighbor is not at his desk right now! I must spring at the opportunity to eat the flop without shame.