Walgreens Whoopie!

I am the only one in my entire house who is not sick right now.
I have barricaded myself in my room, hooked myself up to an o.j. i.v. and have been sucking on those Airborn tablets like it's my job! (I realize you are supposed to dissolve those things in water, but I just don't have that kind of time!)
Since three out of the four sickies don't have cars (yes, one is 6... your point?) I have been running a 24 hour shuttle to and from Walgreens... every hour, on the hour.
Yesterday's trip was extra fun. Many a character in that silly 24-hour pharmacy.
And while it was fun, it was also extremely dangerous.... why you ask?
Because we had to wait 30 min. for a prescription to be filled and there is nothing more threatening to my pocket book than idle time in a Walgreens.
I started my journey in the cosmetics aisle... naturally.
I had narrowed it down to three bottles of what was really the same color polish. Creamy nude, shiny nude or pinky nude? What to buy.... What to buy?
My pondering was suddenly interrupted by an old couple who wanted to look at the more bold colors of my nail polish display.
The old lady reached down and picked out a pink reserved soley for Barbie's convertible.
"How about this one?" she asked her hubby as she held the magenta bottle to her mouth.
Her lips, and teeth, were smeared with a similar color.
"Nice, but maybe a little darker," he suggested with confident lipstick/ nail polish coordination knowledge. (Say, What?!?!?)
She reached for what she thought was a shade darker (it was actually the same color).
"How's about this one?" she asked.
"Perfect," he said.
And they shuffled on.
I also shuffled on, settling on "sand dollar" polish.
Next aisle to be explored, hair stuff.
I was in the market for curl enhancing hair goo, which I spent a good 10 mins. trying to pick out.
Do I want defined curls or springy curls? Soft curls or voluminous curls?
After much consideration I opted for bouncy, shiny curls... a sophisticated version of JBF hair.
Another little old lady entered my isle hollering for the Aqua Net.
Yikes!
I quickly exited that row.
My roomie caught up with me and told me that it would be another 15-20 mins. before his Rx was filled.
We decided to pass some time together... and where better to do that than in the condom/lube aisle?
What was once a isolated section of Trojan basics and safe KY is now a smorgasbord of colors, consistencies, textures, temperatures , sizes, shapes and flavors! And located right off the main-line aisle...
We pondered over some and giggled over others. We broke into hysterics over the econo-sized lube with a hand pump that was big enough to be sold at Sam's Club.
We also laughed at the "Magnum" sized condoms, which my roommate claimed were his rubber of choice.
"What's that?" he asked pointing to a pink box.
"That's the sponge," I said.
"An actual sponge?" he looked at the box wondering why sex and cleaning products were mingling.
"No, not a sponge, THE sponge. A vaginal sponge," I said. "It sucks up all the little spermies."
"BLHAGRAHBLAHBARFUGHAP," said my roomie.
We were just about to examine the new line of pleasure products "for her" when a little voice peeped, "Excuse me."
We were having so much fun that we had blocked off the rest of the aisle. The poor woman had the misfortune of needing hair color from the same row as our lube buffet.
"We... uh.. we where... uh.... (giggle, giggle) just leaving," we said and exited.
Now hear this, it is one thing to maturely go to the condom section, pick out your goods, by a little of the slippy stuff to slap on there and go about your business. It is quite another to stand there and balk at the goods.... which is what we were doing, hence the giggling.
Next, on to the toy aisle... about 5 mins. and counting before pick up time.
As we were approaching the toys we saw a little girl squatting down like a crab in the middle of the empty row.... looking very strange.... very suspicious.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT!
came tearing from the 10-year-olds arse.
We did a double take.
She froze in terror.
We held our breaths( for scent preservation and laughter prevention.)
She turned red, as red as the galoshes on her feet.
She scrambled up frantically and pulled a yellow whoopie cushion from under her rear.
I.lost.it.
"It wasn't me," she yammered. "It was this, this, this ..... thing."
She held the whoopie cushion at an accusatory length, looking at it as if it had actually expelled its bowls all over the Walgreens floor.
"This, this, thing," she said again.
"Sure it was," said my roomie with a smile on his face.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I said, doubling over with laughter.
She made one final attempt at redemption before she raced out of the toy section....
"This........ thing," she said.
Thankfully, it was time for the sweet, sweet, codine-laced cough syrup to be delivered.
I took the last few moments to learn more about Dr. Scholls, rectal thermometers and belly-button fragrance, compliments of Ms. Jessica Simpson's new cosmetic line.
I escaped the trip with only $12 worth of merchandise... and a side ache from laughter.
Too bad I'm allergic to codine.... I would've made my roomie repay me in spoonfuls.